I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
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Houston, we have a blender
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
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this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm too high and old for this...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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