Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
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I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
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Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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