i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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