Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize