So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
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my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize