I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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