how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
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Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have feelings that need drinking.
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Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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