just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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