We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
if only i could text you this smell
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
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His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
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After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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