Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
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Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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