I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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