so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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