But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
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She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
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GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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