the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
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I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
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I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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