No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dignity is for republicans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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