I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
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its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
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IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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