genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Randomize