Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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