Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
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Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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