This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
not ubering you a puppy
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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