he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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