I'm lost and stupid without you.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
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I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
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Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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