How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
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Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
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What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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