Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
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Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
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I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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