I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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