facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
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Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
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I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize