life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
God I need to hump something, right now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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