I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize