He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
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This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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