and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
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Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
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It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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