My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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