you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
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I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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