I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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