The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
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we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
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I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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