i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
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Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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