Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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