Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
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it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
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In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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