I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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