My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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