Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
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I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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