I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Did I show you my penis last night?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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