I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
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Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
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I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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