$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
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I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
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Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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