I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
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I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
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He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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