It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
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both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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