Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
