I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
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I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
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It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
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