oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
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I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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