No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize