It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
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If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
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He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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